To Have and to Hold Onto Each Other, My Take On Marriage
We all have our takes on relationships. That is why each relationship is unique. This is my take on marriage and how I find happiness in my marriage every single day.
Marriage is a partnership.
Often times, especially amidst a fight, we get caught up in the me against him mentality. For the most part my husband is the nicest, most caring, most understanding man on the planet, until he is not. This does not mean he is against me or wants to intentionally hurt me. This means that there is something we have different views on and that is okay.
The world is made up of people with different views. Just because we do not see eye to eye on something does not make one opinion better than the other and it certainly does not make us enemies. In the end I have to remember what side both of us are on and that’s each other’s.
Another way the motto “marriage is a partnership” helps me in my relationship is with everyday household chores. At the beginning of us living together I was very bad at “adulting.” I had never lived on my own and I didn’t even realize how many things needed to be done. Nick picked up most of the slack. After months of basically doing everything he snapped. (Understandably) He thought maybe this was a “gotcha” moment. Until we had the conversation that I had never lived on my own and he was going to have to guide me through this and ask when he needed help, he didn’t realize that I just didn’t know.
Now we’ve fallen into a nice flow of give and take. When Nick feels like he needs help he will ask and when I feel like I need help I’ll ask. The point is there should never be a “gotcha” moment. Each partner should feel comfortable with the responsibilities that they have and open communication should be there to resolve any time one partner is not so comfortable.
Sometimes it’s bliss
Sometimes marriage is pure bliss; giggling on the couch, singing along to music in the car, cuddling in the morning, holding hands while grocery shopping, a shoulder to lean on when you’ve had a bad day, a person one text away always ready to show you affection. These moments do not last forever, these moments are fleeting because life happens. Savor all the little moments and keep them in your back pocket for those rainy marriage days.
I struggled with this one for a little while, I’ll be honest. My husband is not one for grand gestures and grand gestures have always been what I could hold on to to get me through the hard times. I forced the bliss and asked for grand gestures and when they felt as forced as I made them I became frustrated. Finding bliss in everyday in small ways came through my coworkers teasing me. My husband wakes up earlier than me everyday, even though he has to be at work later, just to pack my lunch. If that’s not a grand gesture I don’t know what is. Sometimes he tunes into me and notices I need some extra affection and cuddles, so he’ll stay in bed and hit snooze with me until we are both ready to get out even if his morning is rushed after. If all that isn’t bliss then I’m not sure what is.
Sometimes it’s not so bliss
This is where your bliss times and your partnership comes in. Everyday cannot be butterflies and rainbows because that’s just not how life works. There are a few important things to remember though two of them have already being mentioned.
You’re on the same team- At the end of the day you both want the same result, to be in a happy marriage. Instead of fighting against each other, why don’t you work with each other.
Sometimes marriage is bliss- Save those times in your back pocket for days when it’s difficult. This will make it easier to see that you are on the same team.
Often times the ones we love get the worst of our day and it’s not really their fault- Life is stressful. I don’t know about you but sometimes I get home and I just want to relax. If Nick’s not feeling to same way I am we can butt heads. This head butting will often be met with all my frustrations of the day and then BAM I’m taking my whole day out on him. Be able to step back from reactions like this even if it is after the fact and apologize for it. We all just want to feel validated and being responsible for our emotions is a great way to show our partner that we appreciate them.
Sometimes we’re cranky, hangry, hormonal, etc. - Every fight doesn’t have to end in tragedy. I am a firm believer in taking a step back before it escalates in order to rethink whether this emotion is coming from your head or somewhere else. I am definitely someone who apologizes for being hangry/cranky quite often. (Sorry Nick!) The key is I apologize so he doesn’t feel like he’s the bad guy and he knows it was coming straight from me.
Working through things adds to deeper understanding and ultimately a stronger relationship
There is a stigma towards fighting, and rightfully so. It feels yucky. But there is a purpose to it. Working through things together builds deeper understanding and ultimately makes you closer in your relationship. Admittedly this is something Nick and I needed to work on. We fought to fight and always needed a winner. ( Which was usually me. Sorry Nick again!) He would apologize and I would forgive him from my high horse. HOWEVER, this wasn’t doing anyone any good. These days, we both end up apologizing and talking things out as we apologize. We express our points of view and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. The result- less fighting, more understanding and isn’t that what we all want?
In the end, every relationship is different. While this advice might not work perfectly for your relationship, I hope you can break it up into pieces that do work for your relationship in order to find better understanding and most importantly, more happiness.